all of a sudden i felt very scare and lost and didnt know what i was going through. i was scare that i will lost my friends and not have friends whom i can talk to about every single thing. i mean like everyone has someone whom they confine me, except me (thats what i think) and i am freaked out by it. what if no one is there for me when i am in any situation? im scared you know. the feeling is something i cant say and makes me uncomfortable. i cried. just felt like it. i mean there was a need to relieve the pressure off me. i actually wanted to go somewhere. but at this hour, i think better not. i dont want my parents to think whatever shit they are thinking and worry or get angry. but i really want to go out. even though i have seriously no idea where i will be heading to and what i will be heading to. i want someone to be with me. any friend you know. talked to samuel while we were go home this afternoon. i can say that i sent him home from ching han hse larz. anywayz, that not the main point. the main point is that we were talking about what we do all the time larz. which basically i have no idea what im doing. samuel told me he was always "travelling" around, finding serene spots to chill and think. i want to do that! but the think is i cant find a place. also, im used to be with friends all the time. i dont like to be alone. everywhere i go, i go with my friends. i dont dare to shop myself, but when im with my friends i can say i shop so much more freely and comfortablely and professionally. is that lack of self confidence. lets get back to the point. so i was wondering. ok i have no idea what i was wondering there when i was talking to samuel. but the thought made me feel alone. i dont know. and i feel like i didnt know samuel at all. well, if i were to say that, i think i dont know all my friends at all. even those that i regard as close friends. like valerie, weijie, lok tuan, ching han, samuel, eileen, everyone! that freaks me out. sad to say i sound like a girl and childish and stuff. but i dont care! why should i?! so what if people feels that way?! fuck them! shit them! go to hell larz! what gives them the right to judge people! i know i do that sometimes. im not afraid to admit im those people. but i do not do it all the time! i know my limits! shut the fuck up if you have anything to say about me. who cares! who gives a damn. i want alone time! i mean i have alone time! but i dont know what to do with them! samuel does! i dont! like i feel like my life isnt fulfilling and i have no things to do at all! my friends have something to do! they will sometimes say " i have got stuff to do." especially samuel. but what stuff?! why dont i seem to have anything to do?! why? after i "sent" him home, i walk all the way back to my house. i went the extremely long way. i walked around chua chu kang. i even went to where kun lin stayed last time. i made a very big round around that place. i just wanted to walk. haiz. i have no clue of what i am thinking at all. i told samuel that i dont mind if he is at east coast and im at jurong point, i dont mind travelling all the way to find him if he wants to. he said im crazy. is that crazy?! why cant i do it?! whatever. thought i could go out in the evening but ended at home. crying even. how pathetic is that. before i blogged, i called samuel, weijie and smsed ching han. well, they were busy. after that i called valerie. just wanted to talk to someone. but decided not to, felt weird. oh god. please help me. i came online to help valerie to check her movie time slot again and talked to loktuan. oh well. i may have missed out some things in between but dont care. one more thing, we bought ching han his bday gift! hope he likes it. hehehehez. kinda nice that we got him something. yeah! chaos. whatever~