thank you samuel and ching han. thanks. and i also wanna thank all my friends, lok tuan, valerie, wei lin, wei jie, nellie. thanks for being my friend. not just any friend, but someone i really care about.

haiz, i cried while walking home from yew tee. afraid and scare no matter how much i tell myself not to. theres nothing to worry or to cry over about. its ok. it will be ok. i think i will keep this post short. yup. ("I turn to You" by Christina Aguilera) oh, and 1 more person. thank you jie min.

ok, basically i needa/wanna summarize what i did last week kz. my "study" week. ok, monday i cant really remember what i was doing, probably i stayed over at weijie's house lorz. hmm...

tuesday i know i went to meet lok tuan, samuel ans shu yi to get bday present for ching han. went to bugis larz. then at night we went to ching han house to give him his present and also stayed overnight. kz.

wednesday was the day i sent samuel home and walked around. that would be national day. and i cried that night. haiz. i went home from my long walk and slacked.

then comes thursday, which was i cant remember. oh yar. i went to find grace to have dinner. in the afternoon i went to weijie house again to print what i needed for the gems test. suppose to study but didnt. hahahaz. went to find grace and chill instead. well actually help her mend her store in a way. thats basically it. didnt study for my gems test.

friday i had gems test and went out with nellie. went to holland v and then walked home from there. cool huhz. on the way, we rested at KAP mac. yup. then thats all for friday.

saturday i went to ching han house again with lok tuan to study. thats also when nellie pissed me off. haiz arhz. dont wanna talk about it at all. maybe next time bahz. stay and played at ching han house till say 11 plus bahz.

then on sunday, i did not really. well, watch chobits on youtube thats all. went out to hereen with jie min, suppose to get slippers but cant. yar, havent study much for my upcoming exams :P dead meat. hahahaz.

yup thats all for last week. will continue blogging as much as possible. yeah.

yesterday went to ching han house and study. did more studying than usual which was great. hahaz. if i at home i wouldnt study de. just like today, until 5 liaoz still haven start. bad sia. so happy i could go to ching han house yesterday. yeah! hehehez. then went home at around 11 lorz. i got back my ipod from nellie. haiz. dont know her larz. kinda dont really understand her. just the same as everyone else.

theres actually nothing much to blofg today, cause nothing much happened. except that i will be going to hereen later. i siao de horz. study beccome shopping. oh well, you know, thats me. now currently no time to learn how to input videos or songs into this blog yet. so maybe around my holidays bahz. seems like there so many things to do during holidays but actually nothing much at all. hahaz. know what i am talking about? doubt so. :P but nevermind. haiz, loktuan so good, can focus on studying the whole day. i will die sia. i kuai yao men si lez. sianz!!!!! arhz!!!!

watching chobits anime since hmm, fri? yar i think so. not bad. but still dont get the main jist of it. will continue to watch when got time lorz. anywayz, please check out this video at youtube. http://youtube.com/watch?v=7dyNsqmm0mI the singer is freaky i find. a nice freaky way. hahaz. impressed with her also. she died at an earlier age of 31 sia. very sad. i also have been checking out different singers recently. mariah carey, her "emotions" is wow. then theres christina aguilera, hmm and others bahz. was bored and had nothing to do so went to find some info lorz. yup. i think thats all. yup.

Reflection by Christina Aguilera
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you’ll never know me
Every day, is as if I play apart
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I can not fool
My heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I have to
Hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What’s inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don’t know?
Must I pretend that i’m
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There’s a heart that must
Be free to fly
That burns with a need
To know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I’m forced to hide?
I won’t pretend that i’m
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflections show
Who I am inside?

Enjoy, i no time liaoz. try to put the video or song next time bahz. yeah. gtg. rushing.

after my last blog, nellie called and talked about her problem. while talking about her stuff, it reminded me of what i miss and what i want. to be with my friends. the times i had with my friends. i fucking miss it ok! which is when i cried again. i know its stupid and silly, but crying just letsall the stufff flows out of you. thats what i felt at least. i really didnt like the life now. im not moving on. seriously not. i dont feel like studying, even wanna stop studying altogether just because of these. its dumb i know. i know i shouldnt neglect my studies because of this. but i cant control myself. i told nellie i lived because of my friend and she say thats not the way. i should live because of myself. i still feel that friends come first no matter what. i live because of them! without them i wouldnt be here at all! they are what i live for! the thinking is navie but so?! maybe until i learn a lesson then my thinking would change bahz. but not now. and i think i know why and where in the world my tension headache came from some time ago. all because of these, i worried too much. thats what nellie said and what i realised. i wish i can stop thinking of all these shit! but they are not shit! i dont want to lose my friends at all! i cant lose them! im not willing and not gonna lose them! im scare to lsoe them! i feel so insecure. not to boost or anything but, i keep on thinking "did i treat my close friends correct, the way they what?", "im i remember?", " did i do enough for them?", " am i gonna lose them". im scare of what the future holds and everything. im clinging onto memories i had! afraid and scare to lose them! i told i think samuel, nellie that i went to yew tee afew times just to have the feeling back. its silly larz. i even purposely go there just to walk home from there! cause i missed what i had! im going place i been in the past to just to get back the moment which can never be there anymore! i just hope the feeling is back! its like you dont treasure what you have until you lost them! i think im gonna regret that i never enjoyed my poly life when i graduate. thats always the case! but i cant move on! nellie says i can and i promised her. but deep inside i dont think i have the strength! this means that half of the battle is lost! haiz. why?! thats all i remember what i gotta blog. i dont wanna lose all of you! stay and remain unchanged! i know its impossible! but please do!
not changing myself! or at least trying! i will be the same as before!

all of a sudden i felt very scare and lost and didnt know what i was going through. i was scare that i will lost my friends and not have friends whom i can talk to about every single thing. i mean like everyone has someone whom they confine me, except me (thats what i think) and i am freaked out by it. what if no one is there for me when i am in any situation? im scared you know. the feeling is something i cant say and makes me uncomfortable. i cried. just felt like it. i mean there was a need to relieve the pressure off me. i actually wanted to go somewhere. but at this hour, i think better not. i dont want my parents to think whatever shit they are thinking and worry or get angry. but i really want to go out. even though i have seriously no idea where i will be heading to and what i will be heading to. i want someone to be with me. any friend you know. talked to samuel while we were go home this afternoon. i can say that i sent him home from ching han hse larz. anywayz, that not the main point. the main point is that we were talking about what we do all the time larz. which basically i have no idea what im doing. samuel told me he was always "travelling" around, finding serene spots to chill and think. i want to do that! but the think is i cant find a place. also, im used to be with friends all the time. i dont like to be alone. everywhere i go, i go with my friends. i dont dare to shop myself, but when im with my friends i can say i shop so much more freely and comfortablely and professionally. is that lack of self confidence. lets get back to the point. so i was wondering. ok i have no idea what i was wondering there when i was talking to samuel. but the thought made me feel alone. i dont know. and i feel like i didnt know samuel at all. well, if i were to say that, i think i dont know all my friends at all. even those that i regard as close friends. like valerie, weijie, lok tuan, ching han, samuel, eileen, everyone! that freaks me out. sad to say i sound like a girl and childish and stuff. but i dont care! why should i?! so what if people feels that way?! fuck them! shit them! go to hell larz! what gives them the right to judge people! i know i do that sometimes. im not afraid to admit im those people. but i do not do it all the time! i know my limits! shut the fuck up if you have anything to say about me. who cares! who gives a damn. i want alone time! i mean i have alone time! but i dont know what to do with them! samuel does! i dont! like i feel like my life isnt fulfilling and i have no things to do at all! my friends have something to do! they will sometimes say " i have got stuff to do." especially samuel. but what stuff?! why dont i seem to have anything to do?! why? after i "sent" him home, i walk all the way back to my house. i went the extremely long way. i walked around chua chu kang. i even went to where kun lin stayed last time. i made a very big round around that place. i just wanted to walk. haiz. i have no clue of what i am thinking at all. i told samuel that i dont mind if he is at east coast and im at jurong point, i dont mind travelling all the way to find him if he wants to. he said im crazy. is that crazy?! why cant i do it?! whatever. thought i could go out in the evening but ended at home. crying even. how pathetic is that. before i blogged, i called samuel, weijie and smsed ching han. well, they were busy. after that i called valerie. just wanted to talk to someone. but decided not to, felt weird. oh god. please help me. i came online to help valerie to check her movie time slot again and talked to loktuan. oh well. i may have missed out some things in between but dont care. one more thing, we bought ching han his bday gift! hope he likes it. hehehehez. kinda nice that we got him something. yeah! chaos. whatever~

it has been a month since i updated this blog man. fuck fuck fuck fuck. hahaz. just wanna say that word for no apparent shit. haiz. listening to hide away by hilary duff now. im really wondering why people are hiding away. maybe they are just hiding away from me thats why i feel so. saded. fuck it larz. i feel so stupid man. i dont know lorz. i mean like i though i have close friends but then is it really true? or am i just trying to convince myself of so? im so naive like shit! (underneath this smile by hilary duff) i dont think that i have anyone i can really confine myself in. also, i thought that im a trustable friend whom someone can confine in lorz. apparent not! no one has confined in me! i feel so useless and unwanted! do every close friend i think dont really trust me and dont think i am that close. fuck them larz. im sorry. i really feel down curently. i just need reconfirmation, reassurance, some signs to tell me that its not true people dont think i am a close friend! no! i dont want it to happen! i refuse to conform to this state! please. please.

is it worth it for all the sacrifical? yes! it is a definately yes! (because you live by jesse mccartney) even if they dont treat me as their person whom they can confine in, its ok! but i just want at least someone who treats me that way! i have no idea why but i just do! damn it man! why do others have people that confine in them but not me?! am i not good enough?! im really scare thats the turth you know! it scares the hell outta me! what can i do?! fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit.

whatever larz. i hope that i go through this phrase soon. haiz. suppose to be feeling high now but instead im as low as ever. and it sucks! total suckness! asshole! be right back, gonna change song. (genie in a bottle by christina aguilera) anywayz, i dont know what to say liaoz. i think i will end here. fuck shit stupid asshole dumb idiotic suck. daryl out! (like ryan secrest) whatever~