what am i searching for? what do i want? i don't know. what if i know all these things that i want? what will i do?

im like always questioning myself. yet i find no answers to these questions.

what can i do about my life? what if i know what to do with it? so what? what will i do?

haiz. just wanted to blog something.

haiz. turning into an adult/becoming an adult is so scary. so many changes in life that we gotta face. there's a different meaning to friends. people no longer "want" friends because they are too caught up with their lifes/work.

one day i might become like that. but for now i just hope thats not gonna happen. its hard to say. part of me wants to grow up but another part doesnt. the fear of it. turning 19 soon. and soon its gonna be 20. then 21. then 22. so on. omg. i find that 18 now is already old enough.

i need a brainwash. i need my thinking process to be set straight. cause i find that my thinking have problem. the way i think about stuff is not right. don't really know how to put it but thats it lorz.

tommorow is my sec sch class outting, bbq at east coast park. haiz. very frustrated larz. the friends/classmates/people in my sec 4 class i hope can like have contact even when we all go our seperate ways lorz. its gonna be difficult larz. just hope for the best to happen. thats why i say growing up is scary.

i realised that my blog differs from other people's blog. mine is like all about ranting my problems and talking about meaningless stuff. more and more about myself. whereas for others, theirs are opinions of things. hmm. got different rights? hahahaz. don't know larz. sorry if i complaining and whine sooo much about myself. get use to it man. it's my blog. :P

yesterday went zoo then stayed over at lok tuan's house. wa. during zoo trip lorz. that samuel wanna qi si wo arhz. haiz. ask him don't do this don't do that he still do. make me angry only. arhz. don't understand him larz. haiz. seems like 1st time i angry with a friend.

yar. wanna say that. somehow i find that out of 3 of them, lok tuan can be trusted most, ching han is neutral, samuel being the least. looks can be deceiving huhz. never judge a book by its cover. hmm.... at least the trusting things is what i feel now larz. maybe things are gonna change when i get the facts and things right? we'll see. don't know whats with samuel larz. like he kan wo bu shuang like that. very sian one lehz. talk to him i wanna die. haiz. hope that all our friendship turns out well.

i feel that im very greedy. wanna change that part of me. its like before ching han and sam got time, as in when they are having "a"s i miss them so much. now that i "have" them, i "want more from them". please don't have any wrong ideas. think straight. so yup. must tell myself not to be so greedy.

hmm.... im thinking how personal should i get in this blog actually. don't know whether i can open up myself fully to everyone. actually only 2 larz. randy and lok tuan. don't know still got anyone know not. don't know if they still got read my blog not sia. hahahaz. any comments on how personal i can/should get in this blog, please leave a tag.

this blog seems like my only outlet of emotions and thinking huhz.

wanna say something. i hope that sam lok tuan ching han and me can one day sit down and actually talk about our lifes and everything about everyone. just get to know more about each other instead of just gaming n gaming n gaming. i mean, ok, i have no objection to gaming. but the thing is i wanna know more about everyone. we've never talked about anything very personal at any point of life. maybe its because they can't handle it? not willing to? i don't know. but one things i can say is, im open to everything. erm. to say it not so civilisedly, im very loose? inappropriate choice of words? i don't know. hahahaz. yup.

i hope i didnt miss out anything.

MD is coming soon. wish me luck man. i don't know if im up to standard. but can say that i tried my best. or maybe that's not my best? will try. and people, please support larz. hahahahaz. lok tuan sam and ching han i really wish they go. cause like they never come support me at all like that. i know its unfair to them, cause they don't really listen to band songs. so can't blame themn fully. but just hope they will go. if ching han and sam don't go, then i don't know if they will ever have the chance to see me perform not lez. they going army mahz. as for lok tuan, still got 1 more year larz.

control myself and control my life! with that i will end.

just a quick post before i get ready for school.

today i have a test. just studied finish. hahahaz. start yesterday night only sia. after i came back from ching han house. yup. wish my luck. then horz. report arhz. tomorrow due i still haven't start. :P think tonight can don't sleep lez. considering the fact that i have band today. then reach home don't know what time. oh well. i hope shirley (band) sends me her report asap. needa help.

hmm... hopefully friday all of us can make it. hahahahaz.

then all the best for next week class outting bahz. kkz. looking forward to it.

gotta go. cya.

just wanna say that i bought a new hp. nokia 6280. and then i got a new line. haven tell everyone though. wanna finish transferring my contacts then start telling. hahahaz. weird huhz. :P

report i still haven do yet. hahahaz. test tomorrow also haven't study. last minute sia. hmm. what else to say? nothing much lorz. just needa stay happy. and always smile. yeah.

kz. thats all. short and sweet. hahahahaz.

wa! so damn bored larz. yesterday was at lok tuan and ching han house. yup. samuel was there too. hang out the whole day bahz. nothing much to say about that. except that we gave lok tuan is belated bday present, sam bought a zippo. (idiot arhz) hahahahaz. joking joking. i went home around like 1am plus lorz. walked home from fajar. the walk was quite ok larz. still not very scary. then i slept till sunday 1pm. aiyo. then wasted my whole day lehz.

today lorz. stayed home till now and theres nothing to do.

well actually theres a report and test for this coming week but heck. later larz. thats why my msn nick is procrastinating. don't wanna do them. i want lok tuan new hp! arhz! i hope can get by this week. very frustrated cant get it today, since anywayz today i got nothing to do.

now want go out de. but cant find anyone to accompany. if i go out alone i also don't know where to go sia. wasted today.

next next week finally holiday lez. soon. turning year 3 soon. graduating soon! hahahahaz. i dreaming so earlier liao rights. i can't satnd another moment in poly. just sucks. no life no friends. nothing. arhz! hopefully after poly, things are gonna be better. haiz. sad thing is cant go army together with samuel and ching han. but anywayz. got lok tuan. hahahahaz. :P

song recommendation: christina aguilera - soar.
enjoy.

arhz! percussion section is so bad now. haiz. no bonding at all! very extremely disappointed and sad. we need jermaine and jocelyn. haiz. even today, the sl and asl never come. like we got guest conductor they still never try to make it. what company dinner larz. can don't go one right?

i don't understand why it is ok for them to like not come for band for some simple reasons and i get like "lectured" saying that thats not an excuse. i don't see the fairness. haiz.

feel like i've lost my interest in band. i really don't know why im joining band in poly life you know. its like maybe just to chill? i wanna learn street dance! no money! arhz. sianz.

today gems lesson told us to think positive and that everything is about the mind. so im gonna try to think happy and not slide down to depression. theres more to it larz. just can't remember.

oh yar, forgot to say something about band. i feel that jermaine has a better authority, or let me phrase it in another way, she knows how to handle the band larz. see how the "voting" was done today i was quite disappointed by the president lorz. jermaine could have handled it so much better, no doubts about it.

next week i got a test and a report to hand in. i hope i can work with ching han during the 3 weeks holiday if he wanna work. then during the holidays, there make up practical, cause we cant finish it by exams. stupid shit school term. siao one. don't know how they plan de. no brains sia.

what else? cant think of currently. so yup. thats all.

ok, im gonna blog about my feelings today. funny huhz. anywayz, i saved in my hp what i was thinking earlier on in school. now im just typing it in.

u noe i have feelings? im human you know. So sad that people always see through me. why? is it because of me? i have everyone! i deserve my share of attention too kz. its always like that. i have being ignored. i don't like it when people talk to you just cause they need you. then throw you away when they don't. it just sucks.
(around 1-6pm)

hahaz. that was earlier on. now just wanna say, noobshit. learnt some time ago from nellie's friend. yeah. sounds cute. :P oh, today sectionals was a failure. bad bad bad. ended no sectionals like that.
(on the way home after "sectionals")

i wanna work! but then horz, no time. yar. cant find those weekend jobs. randy got recommend. but come on. me selling beer. hello? don't you think its like so weird. in the first place i don't drink. haiz. anywayz, must thanks him larz. in need for money! arhz! sianz.

today keep my blog short larz. cant think lorz. just gonna not say anymore. bye.