after my last blog, nellie called and talked about her problem. while talking about her stuff, it reminded me of what i miss and what i want. to be with my friends. the times i had with my friends. i fucking miss it ok! which is when i cried again. i know its stupid and silly, but crying just letsall the stufff flows out of you. thats what i felt at least. i really didnt like the life now. im not moving on. seriously not. i dont feel like studying, even wanna stop studying altogether just because of these. its dumb i know. i know i shouldnt neglect my studies because of this. but i cant control myself. i told nellie i lived because of my friend and she say thats not the way. i should live because of myself. i still feel that friends come first no matter what. i live because of them! without them i wouldnt be here at all! they are what i live for! the thinking is navie but so?! maybe until i learn a lesson then my thinking would change bahz. but not now. and i think i know why and where in the world my tension headache came from some time ago. all because of these, i worried too much. thats what nellie said and what i realised. i wish i can stop thinking of all these shit! but they are not shit! i dont want to lose my friends at all! i cant lose them! im not willing and not gonna lose them! im scare to lsoe them! i feel so insecure. not to boost or anything but, i keep on thinking "did i treat my close friends correct, the way they what?", "im i remember?", " did i do enough for them?", " am i gonna lose them". im scare of what the future holds and everything. im clinging onto memories i had! afraid and scare to lose them! i told i think samuel, nellie that i went to yew tee afew times just to have the feeling back. its silly larz. i even purposely go there just to walk home from there! cause i missed what i had! im going place i been in the past to just to get back the moment which can never be there anymore! i just hope the feeling is back! its like you dont treasure what you have until you lost them! i think im gonna regret that i never enjoyed my poly life when i graduate. thats always the case! but i cant move on! nellie says i can and i promised her. but deep inside i dont think i have the strength! this means that half of the battle is lost! haiz. why?! thats all i remember what i gotta blog. i dont wanna lose all of you! stay and remain unchanged! i know its impossible! but please do!
not changing myself! or at least trying! i will be the same as before!